Its my third time in Pakistan, Beat that!

Kabul is behind me now.

This makes me sad. Kabul was cool to begin with but it kept getting more and more interesting.

This morning I ate breakfast with Virginia, we said goodbye over coffee and we even flouted local customs flagrantly and hugged in the dining room. I don’t think anyone saw it but hopefully her man will not seek me out and kill me after killing her simply due to his honor being damaged. Andrew….it was a quick hug. Two seconds tops. I promise.

I then headed down to Chicken Street. (No, there are no chickens there) to pick up my brand new custom leather passport holder that has stamped across the front KABUL, AFGHANISTAN and in a banner across the top its says the same thing only in Dari. Trust me its cool.

When we went to chicken street the days before looking for gifts ( no NGO or ex-pat employee of any company is allowed to go to chicken street for security reasons, I don’t really know why) we were pestered and followed by young English speaking children selling maps, candy, gum, matches, lighters, and anything else you can imagine that you don’t want or need. They offered to show us the best shops, they offered to carry our bags, they even offered to be our bodyguards (our favorite). The problem is they are VERY persistent; they follow you from store to store waiting outside. Their numbers grow every second as if they have some sort of sonar that picks up westerners. In fact if they were adults or even weighed more than 50 lbs each I would have started to get nervous at the mob growing outside the store. As it was it felt like a herd of small used car salesmen clucking at our heels. We started to lose our patience when they would grab our hand or tug at our sleeve. So I would stop and glare at them pointing away from us and off they would run. Coming back in a few moments of course but they gave us a few moments rest.

Well I was determined not be rude, upset or bothered in anyway today. One of the first kids that came up to me I just started to talk to him. His name is Anitullah. Anitullah offered to be my bodyguard immediately and told me he would let no one bother me. I said no but let him walk with me anyway. He followed me into a store and translated what a young child sitting nervously in the doorway said to me. “My dad is not here, please come back in 10 minutes” I said thank you and asked Anitullah where should I go?

Moments later he is helping me barter for a gift and when the shopkeeper waves his hands at Anitullah, I tell him not to talk that way to my friend. Anitullah and I are now working together. I give him 100 Afghanis (less than 2 bucks) and we were both happy. I had a bodyguard and so did he. Then he took me to another shop to look for another gift, shooing the panhandlers and other hawkers out of our way. Mind you he says he is 11 and doesn’t look like he is 9. He MIGHT be 4 feet tall speaks better English than most Afghanis I have met. Again he helps me barter and refuses to let me carry my new purchase myself. He is after all my bodyguard and every bit as professional as I could hope for.

We begin to make our way towards my guesthouse when two other kids join us while we walk. They offer to be my bodyguards and said that they can help me. I felt it proper to say that this position was already filled and to be honest I was broke. I seriously paid for the last items in US and Afghani combined, I had no money on me at all. They decided to work for free. Hey I tried and Anitullah didn’t feel threatened so I said sure.

So, now I rolled down Chicken Street with my security detail, one up front Anitullah on my right and the third kid on my left. An older shopkeeper shouted out that I must be very important to have three bodyguards! My crew was quite proud of themselves saying that only Hamid Karzai has more bodyguards than I do. I pointed out that his are bigger too. What security problem on Chicken Street? The UN always makes things more complicated than it has to be. I hired local, paid a fair wage, when I had money and was open about funding restrictions yet I had security in an “no go” area for UN personnel. Mind you the UN authorizes a very small list of places ok for UN personnel to visit outside the UN compounds and none of them are particularly fun.

My crew and talked and walked all the way to my guesthouse where I made them sit outside while I ran in and bought them all sodas. We squatted outside the guesthouse gates drinking out 7-ups and Pepsi’s in the sun while they told me what they want to be when they grow up. My bodyguards consisted of two future doctors and one future pilot. Satisfied I was safe, we separated.  I had my things, I made new friends hopefully they walk away thinking a little bit nicer things about Americans and it cost me 2 bucks and some soda. I can afford that. Just think if I were in charge for a few days what I could do.

During my extremely brief trip to Kabul I got to do some cool things, meet great people and would be willing to move there for a year or so first chance I get. I liked it that much.

Where else will I have the opportunity to bounce around in the back of a Land Cruiser with narcotics cops listening to Ricky Martin and random salsa music because it was all the music they found on the radio. I was the only one who thought it was awesome that we were nodding along to Sean Paul songs in Afghanistan while we looked for drug smugglers. Consequently from that shoot I also learned how to best smuggle large amounts of opiates into Kabul.  I wont tell and if I did you would still be fighting the Taliban for drivers. They don’t seem to be willing to part with the money they are earning so…think about it first. Oh yah there is the whole being sent to prison in Afghanistan too.  If you think our prisons suck.  I already gave you a hint in the last blog entry anyway.

Other things I learned:

-Afghan “burgers” are too good to be real. Imagine a sandwich that consists of beef salami, lamb chunks, French fries, hot sauce, hard boiled eggs and veggies…now wrap that up in pita bread and a chunk of newspaper and you have an Afghan burger. It tasted way to good to remotely healthy.

-Given the choice between imported beer and Budweiser (I guess in AFG its all imported) I will almost always choose Bud. I can’t for the life of me tell you why i do it but I do it.

- Afghans are very hospitable people but they seem to be a bit more closed off than the Pakistanis. However the Afghans are more western and cosmopolitan in their views, dress and habits (in my opinion) than the Pakistanis. Except with the whole women’s rights and exposed flesh thing.  For instance Bollywood movies are censored in the funniest way. Anytime a woman’s stomach, upper chest, back or shoulders are exposed in any way…the Afghan TV stations blur out the exposed area. So imagine a Bollywood dance scene with every woman’s stomach and shoulders blurred out while they dance. It’s enough to give you a seizure.
-Cows are not good at special perception or for that matter, understanding a rescue operation in progress.

- Young children make excellent bodyguards as long as you are willing to fight for yourself and reward hard work with soda. 

Last night Virg bought me a shirt that has an Afghani man riding a donkey screen printed on it with the words “Born to Ride” .

You guys are really missing out by staying at home. That shirt kills in the third world.